How many times has this happened to you? You've just finished a wonderful dinner at your favorite fine dining establishment -- the filet was rare, the port was perfect, and that lemon sorbet? Bliss.
What could be better? A Crack Aficionado knows. Time to get high, high
You push back your chair, loosen your tie, and fire up a small chunk of that funky stuff. Ahhh, the good life.
But then it happens. From nowhere, your formerly friendly waiter swoops in, all aflutter, trotting out that same old story: "I'm sorry, sir, but we do not permit crack smoking in our restaurant." Next thing you know, you've got the maitre d', the sommelier, the owner's silent partners, and fourteen jack-booted thugs in gray SWAT team tacticals swarming all over you, and you're hustled out the door with your jacket over your head.
Damn.
Crack Aficionados have always faced discrimination, so it's no surprise that even in five-star restaurants where every hand sports a Dunhill or a Macanudo in that sweet post-prandial afterglow, crack smokers still can't enjoy a smoke without having the heat come down all over them. Trend setters make the old order uncomfortable. It's just the way of the world.
This sort of unfair treatment is something we all have to deal with sooner or later, but you can be ready when it happens. With CA's guide to fighting the crack ban, you'll have an answer the next time some monkey in a tux screams, "What the hell are you doing?"
Assert Your Rights
When faced with opposition from management, a keen knowledge of history, morality, and our Judeo-Christian traditions can serve you well. Point out that nowhere in the Bible, the Magna Carta, or the Constitution is crack specifically denounced (or even alluded to, as far as our interns can tell. There could be something in Psalms, but the jury is still out.). Sure, there might be a few lines buried in Section 201 of the U.S. Criminal code, but who reads that stuff anyway? We're talking big picture here.
Argue the Point
Restaurant-industry workers are people-friendly. They work in a social business. A well-constructed argument can coax out their natural flexibility, tipping the scales in your favor.
The Socratic Method has stood the test of the centuries. When faced with a hostile waiter, employ this method to solve the problem. In a soft and measured tone, lay out your position, listen carefully to the waiter's response, and then call him a fool. Ask him how many credits he racked up before he dropped out. Crumple up a dollar and fling it in his face. When he turns away to search for the manager, give him a swift boot in the ass to hurry him on his way.
The Patriotism Card
Everyone loves America. America is about freedom. After all, this is not Russia. This is not China. This is not the place where the wall came down. Is this not America, the land of the free, and the home of the brave? You're damn right it is.
You're an American (Unless you're not, in which case here's your first lesson: lie. Always lie). Point out that as a citizen of this country, no one has the right to obstruct your pursuit of happiness, even if your happiness lies inside little rocks from South America.
Tell them you were in Desert Storm. If you put your butt on the line while liberating that Wal-Mart in Kuwait City to make the world safe for totalitarian theocracy, you'll be damned if anyone is going to tell you how to live your life.
Point the Finger
No one likes a tattle-tale, but let's face it: we all do what we have to do. If management is miffed because you're heating up a little cocktail at your table, what about all the cancer-spewing cigarette smokers busily killing everyone all around you?
What about the guy next to you puffing on a Cubano? That's illegal too, and no one is calling the Feds. It's not fair. It's just not fair. Say it out loud. "It's just not fair." Yell it. "It's just not fair!" Grab the waiter by the back of the neck and yell it again, smashing his face into the remnants of your potato-crusted salmon, punctuating each word with a neat little grind into the asparagus tips. "IT'S -- JUST -- NOT -- FAIR!" Remember that waiters work for gratuities, and this may convince him that his time would be better spent tending to his other tables.
Name-dropping can do wonders. If you're getting hassled, put them in their place. Throw a few stones at their glass house. Why the hell are they so pissed off when everyone knows you got the stuff from their ine cook Kevin, who can't even boil water without being zooted out of his head? This strategy only works if you're eating at the Rib Room in Memphis. And you didn't hear it from us.
Kevin works Tuesday through Sunday. He's the skinny one.
Shoot Your Way Out
Sometimes, even using every weapon in your arsenal, you just can't fight the power. Every weapon in your arsenal save one, that is. If you're packing heat (as every true Crack Aficionado should), you're carrying the ultimate trump card. Nothing like a well-handled gatt to improve a server's attitude.
So put that pipe away and whip out your steel. Put a round into the ceiling, just to get everyone's attention. Then pop a cap into the busboy -- let's face it, you're doing him a favor. Level your weapon at the waiter and say, "You're next, apron-boy." In our experience, waiters are very rarely armed, so you should be okay from here. Then move quickly, but not hurriedly toward the exit.
Be careful at the door. Law enforcement response times are improving, so you may have a little trouble on your way out. Our man Tony C advises grabbing the hostess as a hostage, but it's all a matter of personal style.
Remember, volume of fire is your friend. Police officers in most jurisdictions have to file a separate report on each bullet they fire, whereas for you, the seventeenth is pretty much the same as the first. For a Crack Aficionado, bullets are cheap, but time is expensive. Don't skimp on the front end just to spend the next ten to twenty playing Monday morning quarterback.
And don't forget to pick up your credit card.
--CA Out